I guess i should stop mentioning it’s gonna be long, you already know it’s gonna be long

Thanks for reading, and if you stick with it, you’ll be rewarded with not one, but TWO fart stories! Enjoy!

Vegas XXXIV – Imperial Palace and THEhotel @ Mandalay Bay – July 29th – Aug 1st – BACHELOR PARTY!

FRIDAY

The long awaited bachelor party. My friend Andy and I flew out of Phoenix around 12:30 PM on Friday. Luckily our plane was delayed 20 minutes, because Andy was also delayed getting to my house, and we barely made it in time. We were shocked to find both parking lots full at the airport, but luckily we still made it.

My friend Doug flew in from Buffalo to Vegas, and he landed about half an hour before we arrived. We had planned on the three of us taking a cab or shuttle to Imperial Palace, but on the night before Chris, my best man, called me and told me he would be waiting to pick us up at the airport. Fine with me.

We Andy and I walked to baggage claim where we were to meet the other guys, I noticed Chris and Doug talking to an old guy between them. So I’m thinking that they are just talking to some random stranger. Chris walks up to great me, so I say “who the hell is the old guy? A friend of yours?”

Chris laughed and said “Yeah! He’s the limo driver.”

“Get the F out!” I said. I couldn’t believe it, but yes, we had a limo. So right away, the trip was off to a great start. We hopped into the back of this nice limo and passed around a flask of whiskey. The others taking big gulps, me taking my tiny sips.

We got to Imperial Palace and my brother Jeff was waiting out front with his luggage and a cooler of beer. He also had a bottle of Jaegermeister and 24 cans of red bull. Now I HATE jagermeister, but I had some of that with red bull and I loved it! We went to check in at IP, but typical IP, the room was not ready, so we put our luggage with the bell desk, and went back outside.

Now, for the past year or so, I’ve debated, “Should I make the $100 bet?” It became obvious that the enjoyment of winning, would be less than the anger of losing, so it made sense not to make that bet, simply because it’s too much money for little old me. But since each trip I go on I debate over and over again what to do, I finally said that I am just gonna do it and get it over with. One hand. $100. Win or lose, walk away. Then I can get that foolishness past me.

My brother and I had some extra money saved up, so we agreed we were gonna do this together. Do it right away while we have money, and just try not to think of it after that. We went over to Caesar’s with Doug and Andy, but we waited till we lost them so we could make the bet alone. We didn’t want an audience.

We found an empty table, and it seemed like an eternity for the dealer to shuffle. We tried not to think of what we were about to do because it would have made us too nervous. The cards were dealt, my first card was a ten, I started to feel better. Then I got another ten, with the dealer showing a 9. I had 20, my brother had 18. I thought great! This was easy!

The problem is, the dealer did not end up with 19, I think she had 14, and drew to a 20. My brother lost, but I pushed. So there, I made my $100 bet, and I pushed. All I said I was going to do was make one bet and walk away, but then decided no, I have to do this right. My next hand was a 14, with the dealer having a ten showing. I sadly hit, and busted, but the dealer had a 20, so there was really nothing I could do.

So we made our hundred dollar bets and lost. Didn’t feel bad about losing, just one more thing to check off the list……however there would be another $100 bet later.

We left Caesar’s and went over to O’Shea’s for some food/drinks/gambling. We met up with my friends Frank and Denny who had just arrived in town a little bit sooner. We went to the food court for some lunch, and then a few of us took over a $5 blackjack table. We were having a real good time there, joking around with each other and the dealer. I was making my $5 bets, Doug was betting $25 a hand. He was dealt two jacks, and wanted to split them……and he was playing third base. We talked him out of it because his bet was so high. Next he was dealt a pair of two’s, so my brother jokingly said “there, split those.” So he splits 2’s, with $25 on each now. His first card was an 8, so of course I tell him to double down, which he does……the card was going face down, but I asked the dealer to show me first…..yikes! A six. So with $75 on the table, Doug loses it all. He only partially understands blackjack, and he ended up costing my brother a lot of money cuz he wasn’t the right person for third base.

We went back over to the Imperial Palace as our room was ready. It was a king suite, and damn was it nice! But it was funny too, we couldn’t stop laughing at what we saw. Directly in front of us was a nice living room area, with a pull out couch, a sliding door at the far end had a balcony overlooking the Harrah’s pool. To the left was a bedroom, which I had always thought was going to be a room separated by doors, which there were none. But the funny part about this was the HUGE glass shower…..in the bedroom. As in, next to the bed. Oh there were curtains around it, but nobody was going to take a shower with the risk of some prankster opening the curtains while they were in the shower. Now even if you COULD trust everyone else not to do that to you, you still had to step OUT of the shower when you were done, which would have put you in full view of the rest of the group. So I think I mistakenly got a honeymoon suite or something, and we could not stop laughing at how silly this was.

Then I jumped on the king bed, which was mine, because I paid for it, and saw there were mirrors on the ceiling. More jokes about this followed. There were little stains on the mirror, yes on the actual mirror. The luggage guy brought up our stuff, I wasn’t aware he was in the room so I yelled out “Holy sh*t there are *** stains on the mirror!” The whole room busted up laughing. The bellhop was trying his best not to laugh, but he wanted to get out of there as fast as he could.

My brother brought a few dozen photocopies of me from a childhood photo that was quite embarrassing to be seen. Everybody enjoyed the laugh. I guess it was my fault for scanning the picture and emailing it to him, but Jeff had no problem showing strangers in the hallway this picture. We also had a dozen pictures of THE THING, but that’s a different story.

I cannot stress enough how AWFUL the elevators are at Imperial Palace are. There is just a limited number of them, and they are so slow. We stayed on the 16th floor, and you literally have to wait at least 5 minutes for one. So once you finally get in one, it stops every floor on the way down, and opens up to….nobody. Obviously people call the elevator than get tired of waiting and leave.

Anyways I told you that story so I could tell you this story. Frank and Denny and I were heading down to play some blackjack in the casino. As we get near the ground floor, I hear this sound that can only be described as a gross, LOUD, fart. I immediately think it’s Frank, because he had been dropping ass in the room before that. Frank assumes that it’s me, because of well, who I am. We are all on the floor laughing, and then this woman (oh yes, there were strangers in there) says “oh my, that can’t be good.” My stomach hurt so hard from laughing. I was so convinced it was Frank, that I thought he was joking when he was blaming me. Then Denny stepped up and said he thinks it was this quiet guy in the corner that did it. No matter who did it, and honestly it was not me, it was hilarious.

We played blackjack for a while and then met up with my friend Tony and his brother Bobby, and their other brother whose name I forget. We were also joined by Chris’s friend Sean, and we made our way down to Polo Towers. Most of us were willing to walk, but there were some slow pokes (Andy, Doug, Frank) that wanted to take the monorail. They took the monorail to MGM and walked to Polo Towers, we walked from IP to Polo Towers and still beat them by a good 20 minutes.

On the way Jeff made it a point to see if he could collect a porn card from one slapper and then hand it off to the next porn slapper.

We got to Polo Towers and I need to get some closure on something. For years I thought the long islands were called “Lethal Long Islands” and that’s always how I ordered them. But then last month I realized maybe they were not called Lethal, and I was making a fool of myself for ordering them that way. So I asked both bartenders, and they said they had know idea what “Lethal Long Islands” meant, but they just humored me every time I ordered one.

So with that out of the way, I had a few, and some Vodka sevens, probably some other stuff. We stayed maybe 90 minutes, I had a nice buzz going on. We were still waiting for the slow ones from the monorail, so we called Frank on his cell phone and had him beat on Andy for our enjoyment in front of Walgreen’s, so we could watch from the window…..and take pictures.

After Polo Towers we went across the street to Monte Carlo. We played a little bit of blackjack and my brother won a lot of money. Then we had dinner at the Monte Carlo Brew Pub which was excellent! I think I had the BBQ chicken pizza, and I think I had a bunch of food off other people’s plates as well. Doug got some big beer bottle thing that cost about $50 filled, which he quickly downed. We were joined by my brother’s two friends, Joe and some other guy, and they had this big huge beer tower thing with a tap on it that they brought to the table. Someone said something about Jeremy Roenick on TV, but I missed it.

We stayed there for a couple of hours, it was a great time hanging out with everyone. We then took the tram to Bellagio. I walked thru and finally saw the Chocolate fountain for the first time…..I wasn’t impressed. Speaking of not being impressed, we walked thru the conservatory, and again, I just don’t think they were trying. They just need to stick with the Christmas theme year round. There were some baby bald eagles, and Denny wondered out loud what would happen when those eagles grew into big birds and then tried to fly out through the ceiling. Speaking of Denny, there’s some bar/restaurant there that has water running down it’s wall outside…..he kept walking by with his hand in the water, so I did him a favor by pushing him into the wet wall.

We went outside and watched the water show, can’t remember what song it was, then we walked over to IP, and then we went to Olympic Gardens. After that it’s a blur, and everyone went their separate ways.

Frank and Denny were going to go to MGM to play poker. Frank would end up winning $300, then they drove home in the middle of the night. I was sad to find out they left, but they were planning on leaving first thing in the morning anyways. Jeff disappeared with his friends, Doug and Andy hung out in the room and took naps. Tony and his brothers went to Gilley’s at Frontier with Chris and Sean and myself to see the bikini bull riding. We hung out there for a while, had some beers, and then Tony made Chris kiss me. I don’t understand why, but Chris kissed me on the cheek. I was grossed out.

Chris and Sean headed home, and the Fernandez brothers and I went over to Wynn for some blackjack. I decided to buy in for $100 at a $15 table. I made it last about 40 minutes before finally losing it all. Tony got up three or four times in that session to pull another $100 out from the ATM. He racked up $14 in ATM fees, not to mention what his bank is gonna throw at him later. I knew Tony was a big gambler, and I was upset over losing $100, so in the heat of the moment I said “Tony come on, right now, $100 one bet. Let’s do it before I change my mind.”

I walked up to a $100 table and put my money down. Tony chickened out. I was dealt and Ace/5….dealer has 9 showing. CRAP! I sat there not knowing what to do, starting to get upset with losing TWO $100 hands that day. The dealer asked if I wanted to stand on a six, I said fine, hit me. I get dealt a 4…..20!!! Dealer has 19, I win! Tony says I’m buying breakfast. I say screw that I ain’t sharing.

It was almost 4 am, we decided to take a cab back to IP and call it a night. Another classic moment, we are in the cab, and Tony lets out this HUGE nasty fart. Of course I giggled. But to make it even better, Tony kept a straight face and pointed at the cab driver and said “I can’t believe he just did that, that’s disgusting.” I laughed so hard I tinkled a little.

I went to go to sleep, and decided I wasn’t tired enough. Figured if I was up this late, I might as well walk around and catch a sunset. Figured I might try out the Paris buffet that I heard so much about. But first my plan was to go check out Drai’s because I heard it’s a good place to watch people at 4:30 AM. So I made my way over there, I was surprised at how many people there were! It was like one big sausage-fest tho, so I kept on walking.

I went over to Paris and saw the buffet wasn’t going to open anytime soon. I decided to play some blackjack because I usually have good luck there. I was playing at a $10 table. I hit a blackjack soon, and I immediately transferred my winnings to a separate pile, which is what I always do. I was sitting at first base, the dealer busted, and she paid everyone else, got to me and said “oh no, I forgot to pay you.” I looked down and said “um….yeah.” She called the pit boss over and said she forgot to pay me for my blackjack, the pit boss said to pay me again. I was worried they were gonna look upstairs, but they didn’t, and I was paid twice for my blackjack! I just told the pit boss “wow, I’m so tired I didn’t even notice!” I felt a little bit guilty but come on, do we need to feel sorry for Paris? My next hand was another blackjack, and two hands later another. I was on the a roll. I was up about $50 I think so I tipped the dealer and left.

Then I made the mistake of saying “I NEVER win at Bally’s, I just want the satisfaction of winning there once just so I can say I can.” Well, Bally’s continued it’s undefeated streak against me by taking $20. The sun was just coming up so I headed back to IP. I could have sworn it was almost 7, so I headed up to the Imperial Buffet. The woman told me it wasn’t even six yet, and the buffet was not opening until 7. I went back to my room and went to bed hungry, listening to the sounds of Andy and Doug snoring in the other room……and unable to fall asleep because seeing myself in the mirror on the ceiling was just too freaky.

SATURDAY

Woke up after about 5 hours of broken up sleep. It was weird waking up every hour and seeing myself in the mirror. My brother was in the bathroom and flushed the toilet about twenty times, he wasn’t doing so good. We only had the suite for one night, so Andy and I got dressed and headed downstairs to check into our new rooms for Saturday night.. This time we would be on the fifth floor, in the back of the hotel. The elevators were faster, however this time it meant we had to go through a maze of escalators to get there.

After checking in and gambling a little, we went to the Emperor’s Buffet at IP. We had free passes, and well, let’s just say I’m glad it was free. I would have been upset if I paid money on this place. I used to like it years ago, but this time I didn’t care for it much at all.

At lunch I kinda got my first hints that today was going to be a lonely day. I was the only one who wanted to do anything, I suggested going downtown, suggested going to Las Vegas Hilton for the Star Trek Experience. I suggested we go somewhere and play poker. Nobody wanted to do anything. I can understand, it was hot out. Let everyone rest up and we’ll go out later, that’s fine. I’ll do my own thing in the meantime.

Went over to the sports book so I could make some football bets. Boy did I screw up here big time! I made almost $100 in different bets on the over/under for regular season wins. On paper, I think if all my teams came in, I would have won a few hundred dollars. But when I added all the tickets up, my total earnings were well below $100. I couldn’t figure it out. Turns out I was getting the –120 +120 stuff mixed up. I had it backwards, so all along I thought I was betting $10 to win $12 or whatever (for example) turns out it should have been bet $12 to win $10, so my $10 bets were only making a few bucks. I don’t know how I screwed this up, I always make sports bets, so I should have known better. Just had a brain fart I guess.

Luckily since I was still at the sports book, they let me cancel most of my bets, even tho I had left the counter minutes earlier. I told them I misunderstood, and I promised I would make new bets there. I canceled everything but kept $50 on the Cardinals to win more than 7 games. I also made a four team parlay for week 1, that if it pays off, I’ll win $100 on a $10 bet.

Nobody wanted to do anything, so I decided I was going to spend the afternoon collecting $1 chips from the casinos on the south end of the strip, you know, because I’m cool. I went over to O’Shea’s and grabbed a yard of Vodka tonic. I thought I was talking to the bartender who was mentioned on Tim Dressen’s Five Hundy by Midnight podcast, but the bartender didn’t know what I was talking about. The drink was good, the problem was I had it outside and the sun melted the ice very quickly, watering down my drink. I don’t even think I had a buzz from it.

I continued south hitting Paris, Aladdin, and MGM. Not only did I get an Aladdin dollar chip, but I ALSO got a Planet Hollywood dollar chip. See, I told you I was cool. I wanted to play poker at MGM but the waiting lists were just too long, so I took a crap instead.

I went over to San Remo and grabbed a chip there, and then went up to the Tropicana for a chip and some blackjack. I bought in for $100, played for about an hour, and walked away with $95. Too bad I didn’t win money, but at least I made it last that long. Saw a guy next to me split 7’s four times in one hand and won all of them.

With a couple more drinks and a slight buzz going, I decided to treat myself to the Titanic Exhibit at Tropicana. I found it real fascinating. I spent a good 90 minutes in there, reading EVERYTHING and looking at each piece. It was just amazing. The section of the hull they have hanging there is just incredible. I kept looking at it over and over again. I just wanted to reach out and touch it, it was barely out of reach, but still I could have reached farther and touched it. There were signs saying not to touch, and even tho I could have, I decided to respect history and not touch it. They also have this fake iceberg thing, real ice. You can touch that and there’s a sign that says see how cold this is, the water that the ship went down in was colder than this. So that was weird reading that with your hand on cold ice, and realizing the people that went into the Atlantic were submersed in water colder than that. This was all extra special to me because I had just watched the Titanic specials on the Discovery Channel earlier that week.

I left the Trop completely sober, so I called my friends to see what they were up too, guess what, still nothing! So I continued back up getting my cool dollar chips, making stops at NY NY and Monte Carlo, before eventually getting back to the IP.

We went over to Margaritaville for dinner. There was a one hour wait for dinner so we passed the time by drinking margarita’s and making fun of people on the Strip. Dinner itself was good, not great or anything. I had a $10 hamburger. I’m not a Jimmy Buffett fan so I don’t think I’d ever go back there. After dinner nobody wanted to do anything, imagine that. But Tony and his brothers said they would go downtown with me later that night, so that was something to look forward too.

After dinner I did my long awaited Porn Slapper plan. I waited for a quiet one to hand me a card, so I took it, looked at him, and said “sure no problem.” And then I pulled a pen from my pocket and autographed it for him, he looked so surprised. I thought it was funny, don’t know if anyone else did.

We went back to IP to get rid of my dinner, only to discover the toilet was plugged. Now of course Doug and Jeff denied doing anything, and I wasn’t even there all day, yet somehow the toilet got plugged. It magically plugged itself. It took forever for them to come up with a plunger, and while the water level dropped, I flushed it thinking it was fine, and this time the toilet overflowed and flooded the bathroom. I had to use all the towels in the room to clean up the mess. Finally maintenance came and fixed the toilet, and told me to call housekeeping to get the mess cleaned up and get more towels. Screw that, I’m in Vegas! No time to wait!

I went back down to the casino, Doug and Jeff were playing a penny Monopoly slot machine. Over the course of a few short hours, Doug turned $10 into $600 on that same machine. His luck was unbelievable. However any time I went over by him, he would lose, and he started getting mad at me saying I was a cooler. Yes I admit that he did lose every time I was over there, but he was starting to be a dick about it. He was upset every time I went over there. Finally I said screw it, you guys have fun sitting at a penny slot machine on a Saturday night, I’m out of here. Doug would eventually lose that entire $600 back into the machine. Good for him.

At this point this is where my anger started. I thought wow, I’m in Vegas for MY bachelor party, and my own friends don’t want anything to do with me. So I’m walking on the strip alone by myself, way to go. I couldn’t get a hold of Tony about going downtown, so I decided ok I’m just going to walk north on the Strip now and get my dollar tokens, because I’m cool.

I stopped at Casino Royale and saw my brother’s friends. At least they would hang out with me. I spent a good 45 minutes there just hanging out with them and pounding the $1 Michelob’s. It was a good time. After a while I decided to move on and do some gambling. I went to Venetian where I promptly lost $50, and that hurt. That just made me angrier again. I went over to Wynn and grabbed a shot glass, then I crossed the street and made my way down to Circus Circus and back, collecting dollar chips all along the way. Also lost some money at Circus Circus which made me angrier.

I was headed back south and just fuming the whole way. I was upset that my bachelor party was a bust. I was upset that my friends didn’t want to do anything. I was upset about losing money. I was having an awful time, and I just wanted to come home. Jeff was leaving first thing in the morning, and I was thinking of just getting a ride home with him. Then I felt bad for Doug, because he’d be there alone till Monday with nothing to do. But then I realized this was the same Doug who wanted nothing to do with me because I was bad luck, so he should be left alone. Being in a bad mood, then throwing alcohol on top of that, and losing money on top of all that, not a good combination.

I got back to the IP a little before 2 am. Doug was losing the rest of his money at the same machine, I walked by without talking to him. I went up to my room to take a shower because I was drenched in sweat. I was thinking of going to Andy’s room to stay there because I didn’t want to be around the other two losers, when just then Tony called me and said he was over at the Palms and I should head over.

I didn’t particularly want to go to the Palms, but at least it was something. So I hopped in a cab and went over to the Palms, couldn’t find Tony. I called him at least ten times, left him numerous voicemails and text messages, he did not call me back. I was pissed off that I wasted cab fare to get there, but luckily I was able to put together an impressive blackjack streak and win $70, which is a lot for me! I thought about walking back to IP from the Palms because I’m too cheap to pay for a cab. I walked over to Gold Coast and then through the Rio, then I realized that it was 4 am, so I said screw it, and took a cab back and went to bed. Just as I drifted off to sleep, my leg muscles start spazzing. They were killing me from all the walking I did.

I was a little upset that Tony stiffed me at the Palms, but since I won $70, it made up for it. However what did piss me off was that Tony started calling Doug and I at 7 am, acting like nothing happened, and telling us to head over to the Hard Rock to party. Needless to say, I hung up on him. It really bothered me that he didn’t even ACKNOWLEDGE the fact he sent me to the Palms for no reason. No apology or anything.

I tell ya though, my main regret from Saturday night, was I should have just gone down to Mandalay Bay and seen Ted Nugent in concert. I wanted to do that originally, but I decided I shouldn’t get a ticket because I didn’t want to ditch everyone Saturday night while I was at a concert. Turns out I was the one ditched, and by the time I thought I should go to the show, it was already too late.

SUNDAY

Sunday morning I woke up in a better mood, decided I didn’t want to go home. Figured I would stick it out and make the best of the day. My brother left to drive home sometime Sunday morning. I didn’t even hear him get up and leave. That’s how out of it I was. I was hoping to catch him before he left because I wanted him to drive us to Mandalay Bay so we wouldn’t have to take a cab, but oh well. At least we got to sleep in for a few hours.

I decided not to tell Doug how pissed off I really was the night before, or how I planned on going home and leaving him here. Doug’s a good friend and I know he didn’t mean any intentional harm, so I decided not to whine and cry. I told him I was a little upset that everyone came all this way and I had to spend my own bachelor party by myself, he apologized for that. He said he didn’t mean it to seem like he didn’t want me around, he just was furious over losing $600, and he took it out on me the wrong way. So everything was fine after that, and I decided we’d still make the most of the day, both of us being almost broke. Unfortunately I had my debit card with me, but I promised myself I would not use it for gambling.

Tony was no longer in the equation, there was no way I was going to call him again. Chris was at work, and Andy was asleep. Doug and I were staying at THEhotel at Mandalay Bay, so we left IP to check in. We would end up calling Andy a few times later, but he was never interested in doing anything, so his place in the story ends. I would next see him Monday at the airport as we flew home.

Doug and I hopped in a cab over to Mandalay Bay. We checked into THEhotel at Mandalay Bay, that place is amazing. I’m used to my cheap rooms at IP and Excalibur, this was ten times better. First class service all the way from the time you check in to the time you leave. I was just in awe of how great and clean everything looked. Check-in was a breeze, no line really.

We got into the elevator and up to the 36th floor. Even the hallway looked immaculate. Really fancy, nothing I was ever used too. The first thing I noticed next to the door was a lighted number plate WITH a doorbell. Of course I had to ring it every time I walked in the room.

Immediately inside the room was a separate bathroom to the left with a commode. (this is a fancy place, I have to talk fancy.) We designated this one the “deuce toilet” to be used for dropping a deuce. (so much for the fancy talk). The bathroom had plenty of soaps and lotions and shampoos, all of which we took. The main room stretched in front of us, everything seemed to be a shade of gray. A nice comfortable couch and chair on the right, and a huge ass plasma screen on the wall to the left, with a DVD player underneath.

Beyond all that was a fancy desk with internet connectivity and a fax machine. Behind that was a floor to ceiling window. Our window faced directly south towards the airport, but we could look off to the left and see the top of the Luxor, and MGM just beyond that. This was an extraordinary view at night.

Turning around and facing where we came in was the mini-bar with a sink. Mirrors, fancy glasses, and a bottle of wine were there waiting. A huge basket of goodies on the counter, just screaming to be opened……for a nominal fee of course.

Moving on to the separate bedroom were two big beds, that were EXTREMELY comfortable. I have never slept on a more comfortable bed in my life. I did not want to get out of bed the next morning. The floor to ceiling window provided the same view as the living room window.

There was a huge entertainment center/closet type thing. Another big plasma screen TV, with closets on either side and drawers beneath. There were comfortable robes to be worn, I think these were on sale for about $100 downstairs. I thought about stealing one, but I’m sure they check these sorts of things after you check out.

There was a huge bathroom just off the bedroom. Huge. I mean this bathroom was bigger than most hotel rooms. To the right was a separate room with a “loo.” This one had a phone in it. (the room, not the toilet). The main part of the bathroom had a plasma TV mounted on the wall, and two sinks underneath. The bathtub was huge, but I did not use it. The shower was big as well. Glass walls and doors, and black marble inside. Somehow when you open the shower door, the water pressure dies down a little, then picks back up when you close the door again. I could not figure out how this was done. The only reason I noticed it is because when I was in the shower, I realized that I should be watching TV, so I got out to turn the TV on.

Bottom line, this place was great. Easily the best hotel I’ve ever stayed in, anywhere. Rooms normally go for about $300-$400, we got in for $200. I’d give my left arm to stay there again someday.

Moving on!

After drooling over the room for a while, Doug and I headed next door to the Luxor to go to the Pharoah’s Pheast. We had to wait in line for at least half an hour, but it was worth it. The meal was great. I made about four trips up to get food.

After lunch Doug headed back to the room, and I went down to the Half Priced Tickets place to see if I could get tickets for The Amazing Jonathan. I was a little nervous because Saturday’s show had sold out. I got there and the woman said “the only thing we have left is VIP seats, is that ok?”

I asked what those were, she said they were special gold-circle seats, guaranteed to be in the first three rows. Hmmmm, well I suppose that’s ok. I picked up a pair of tickets for $30 each. I walked back over to Excalibur and hopped on the tram to Mandalay Bay. Made plans to meet up with Chris later on that night.

Doug was chilling in the room, so I decided to go down to the pool. I wasn’t going to miss out on using the pool while I was there, like I missed out on the Mirage pool last time. While I was walking earlier, it looked like a storm was coming, but that never happened. It took forever to get to the pool. It was a big maze, I did not know where I was going. I finally did find the pool, but then I spent another fifteen minutes walking around looking for a place to put my shirt and sandals. I could have gotten a locker, but those were $2, and I didn’t want to go all the way back to my room just to get some money. Eventually I found a chair and put my stuff on top. I was worried the whole time that someone would steal my stuff. Didn’t care as much about losing them, I was just worried I would have to walk thru Mandalay Bay topless and shoeless.

After I dropped my stuff off I went to the lazy river and just went around and around for about half an hour. I would have rented an inner tube, but they were $20 a day. I don’t think so. It was just fine without it, except there were too many kids. After I got tired of that I went over and bounced back and forth between the swimming pool and a jacuzzi. Finally I got tired of the sun so I went back inside.

I showered and hung out watching TV for a while. It was nice relaxing in the room. Around 6:30 we headed downstairs to meet Chris at the West Valet drop-off. The elevator opened, and I walk in and am surprised to see Jeremy Roenick. He has one of those hands free things for his cell phone, and I couldn’t tell if he was on the phone or not. I didn’t want to bother him if he was. Finally I asked if he was on the phone, then I introduced myself, shook his hand, told him I was from Phoenix and a big fan of his. He told me he loved his time in Phoenix and he really hopes that he can sign a contract with the Coyotes again after his contract with Philadelphia is up. He wants to retire as a Coyote. (Ironically enough, as I type this there are rumors flying around that he has been traded to either Los Angeles or possibly even Phoenix.) So we talked for a few minutes about hockey. Told him I was glad the lockout was over and they are finally getting back on the ice, etc etc etc. He was a really nice guy, great to talk to. Told me he’d see me next year in Glendale.

Chris was right where he said he’d be, and we jumped in his truck and headed down to Slots-A-Fun. We hung around at the bar for an hour or so, losing a few bucks in the video poker machine, and putting down beer after beer after beer. I thought about getting a yard glass, but I didn’t want to carry it around with me all night, and besides, I had one from the last time I was there.

I played a little blackjack and got back to the bar and noticed there was a woman in my seat. I got closer and noticed she was the nastiest looking crackwhore I’d ever seen, and she had a nasty black eye. I went down and sat on the other side of Doug, as far as I could from her. She started to try and talk to Chris, so we took that as our cue to get the hell out of there.

We went over to the Westward Ho, stopped in the gift shop, and then went over to the lounge. We were getting hungry, so I decided to do some research for the LVTalk Board. I decided it was time to try the ho-dog. Now I’ve had the slots-a-fun dog, and the Boardwalk Dog, but never the Ho-Dog. We saw the girls working the counter would cut it in half so it would fit on a plate. I decided it would be in my best interest to have it cut in half, and then give half to Doug. We also saw the girl do what Doug labeled the “two handed meat grab.” So I asked for cheese on the hot dog, hoping for melted cheese. Instead they threw a pound of shredded cheese on it. I grabbed a slice of pizza for Chris, and an order of nachos for us to share and headed back over. Yes, I finished the Ho-Dog. Or at least my half of it. It wasn’t the greatest thing in the world obviously, but it didn’t kill me either. Karaoke started in the lounge, and that was are cue to leave.

Chris dropped us off at Sahara so we could go see the Amazing Jonathan. I dropped $20 at a blackjack table, and I was going to ride the roller coaster, but I figured $10 was too much for a ride, so we just went up and waited in line for the show. Our VIP tickets guaranteed us seats in the first few rows. We were the first ones in line, so the usher told us we could sit wherever we want. We chose to sit at the far end of the table so we didn’t have to strain our necks looking up. Plus also I was afraid of getting picked on during the show if he did that, which he did not. Problem is the camera pans the crowd before the show picking on people. I was afraid it was going to focus on us, but it never did.

A little background about my history with Amazing Jonathan:
- saw him on Comedy Central years ago, decided I wanted to see him live
- He scheduled a show at the Chandler Events Center, this was before he did Vegas. The show was canceled.
- Was downtown one night, didn’t know he was performing, found out about the show, turns out it was his dark night
- The next time I was in Vegas, I went to the Golden Nugget, turns out he was on vacation
- Kristi bought me tickets at the Golden Nugget. Tickets were paid for, nothing could go wrong……until we got a phone call the day before the show saying that Amazing Jonathan was no longer at the Golden Nugget
- Then there was something that went wrong with the Riviera, I cant remember that one

But finally! Sunday night I got to see him. Even tho I got the tickets Sunday morning, I wasn’t gonna get my hopes up until he actually got on stage. I figured with my luck he would fall and break his leg before the show started or something like that.

So I did see the show, and it was absolutely hilarious, well worth the wait! I would see it again in a heartbeat, even assuming it’s probably the same show night after night, that’s how good it is.

What I think is really great is that after the show, he had a booth set up where he sold books, DVDs, and t-shirts, and he autographed whatever you bought. Half of the money collected was donated to the Make a Wish Foundation which I thought was great.

After the show we jumped on the monorail to head south. This was my first time on the monorail, and I really enjoyed it. It provides such a great view of the Strip at night. The only problem is I bought a $3 ride, and I only had twenties on me. I was about to put my debit card in the machine when Doug said “hey put your money in there, it gives you change in dollars.”

Well what Doug failed to notice was it said it gives change in dollar coins. So when I put my $20 in, I got seventeen of those Sacagawea whatever gold dollar coins back. Now part of me was happy, because I had never seen these yet, and I could keep a couple for my collection. But the other part of me was pissed off that now I had seventeen dollar coins in my pocket.

We got off the monorail at MGM, then walked over to San Remo. I cashed in fifteen of the dollar coins and then we had dinner in their little café. We each got the $5.95 prime rib special. It was good, not as good as last time though. I’ll still keep going if that place is still open once it turns to Hooters. And if not, I’ll go to Hooters and eat too. Construction for Hooters is already taking place. By the restrooms in the back they already have the wood panel walls up, which is what you see in Hooters restaurants everywhere else. Also they have signs with Hooters girls that say “We put the Gas in Vegas.”

After three long days the trip was coming to a close. We took a cab back to THEhotel and got ready for bed. The bed at Mandalay was soooooooo comfortable. I cannot stress that enough! I had a wonderful view of the light on top of the pyramid at Luxor. I wanted to leave the curtains open and stare at the Strip until I fell asleep, however I knew the sun would be rising directly into our windows, so I decided to close the curtains now, instead of waking up and getting out of that comfortable bed in the morning.

MONDAY

The last day, time to go home. I ran downstairs to get a dollar chip from Mandalay Bay, and then I went over to the Luxor to grab one there. I followed my friend Rick’s advice: you have to gamble on the last day, because you never know if that’s gonna be your lucky day. Well it wasn’t. I dropped $20 at Luxor than called it quits. Doug and I hopped into a cab to go to the airport. I met Andy at the gate, and we went home.

Overall, I’d say it was a decent trip in terms of Vegas trips. As far as a “bachelor party” trip, it was a let down. Too much hype I think. Friday started out great, but fizzled out. Saturday sucked, but Sunday was a nice day that kinda made up for it. Seeing the Amazing Jonathan Show and meeting Jeremy Roenick really made it a memorable trip. However this was one of my worst trips in terms of gambling. I only brought $10 home, but at least I was able to avoid the ATM while I was there. I suppose in the end, I was glad I went and stayed. But at the same time, it felt good to be home.

Posted by Level1FullLockdown on LVTalk